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Albert Schweitzer said, "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success."
Dr. Chris Baker's book, REAL, reveals successful strategies for raising healthy, sane and responsible children.
The best way for a parent to teach his child to share is for the child to see the parent sharing with others. (Wikimedia Commons photo)
A child learns courtesy and good manners when he or she sees their parents being courteous.
Dr John Rosemond's book, New Parent Power! is a great resource for parents who want to raise responsible children.
As parents, we all want our children to be successful. We strive to help our children become “successful” so they will be “happy.”
But - as Albert Schweitzer said, “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success.”
Scientists studying the psychology of happiness have discovered that:
• Happiness isn’t genetic.
• Happiness isn’t luck.
• Happiness isn’t dependent on our circumstances.
• Happiness is created by us.
• Happiness is created by simple disciplines practiced every day, over and over.
• And, unhappiness is created by errors in judgement repeated over and over.
Now we know it is our parenting behaviors that help train our children to be happy. And their happiness will lead to their successes.
So what are these things that we do that work to train our children to be happy?
1. Simple Daily Disciplines - Yourself!
Learn, practice and train yourself to practice simple disciplines every day, over and over. Let your children learn from you that you are grateful. Let them learn that you do kind things for others, not just for them. Let them learn that you eat well, exercise and stay fit. Let them learn most of all that these simple daily disciplines occur over and over.
A recent article from Harvard University, points out that “the result you wish to see in your child comes from the effort you put into yourself.” Your children will mimic and learn from you.
2. Show Encouragement and Compassion for others - all others.
Children have to see and hear their parents caring about and for others. From the time a toddler is just beginning to get the idea that we want them to “share”, they need to see their parents encouraging other children and other adults, as well as them.
Children need to see their parents being compassionate of others -
* holding a door for the next person,
* picking up trash as they walk (take a plastic bag to put over your hand),
* say thank you - and mean it,
* give genuine compliments to people you meet,
* praise others every chance you get,
* write handwritten thank you notes -
* focus on the person speaking to you - NEVER on your phone while they are talking,
* and teach your child to do so.
Give EVERYONE you meet the gift of your smile, ask about the other person’s family, or work, or children. Let your children see you care very much about the others.
3. Always, Always, Keep High Ethical Standards - did I say always?
Let your children see that you have good manners, graciousness, humility, and above all, honesty. Let them be able to trust that what you say is what you mean.
Counting, “I’m gonna count to three…” merely means that you don’t mean what you say until you get to three. Saying, “I promise you,” means that if you don’t say that, you may not mean it. Earn their respect and trust. Of course they will learn that we are all human, yet they will be so proud of an honest and trustworthy parent!
4. The Big and Real Picture is Inside
As things happen around you, and TO you, let the children see that the only things that matter are the things that happen IN you. In other words, help them learn that it is not what happens, but how you look at it, and how you take it.
Be the victor, not the victim. Let them see that when hard things happen, you work to accept and to use it as a lesson. Make every day a day of victory!
5. Allow Problems to Happen and Allow Your Child to Solve those Problems.
We never “wish” hard things on our children, of course not! But the reality is that life has lots of challenges, and since your child will encounter these many lessons, childhood practice coping is critical..
Doing pediatric dentistry and orthodontics has taught me how fortunate is the child with a parent who helps the child cope with the dental situation. This is especially true if it seems hard for the child.
I have seen over and over, the incredible result in how well a child copes when the parent is matter-of-fact and believes their child can handle it, and stays right beside the child to just “be there.”
The most successful appointments are those with parents who tell the child “You can do it. I’m here with you,” and then the parent goes on to talk with us, holding the child’s hand, but not over-focusing on the child. And guess what? The child believes the parent - the person they trust the most - that it’s all ok.
The child may cry. The child may worry. But the child will get through it ever so much better than if a parent is worrying and saying, “It won’t hurt - I promise!” (How does the parent know? “Hurt” is a very personal definition - don’t “promise” such things!)
Allow your child to solve the problems, and to learn to cope with the challenges!
What are some things parents of happy children (who become successful adults) DO NOT do?
- They do not rescue their child to prevent the “hard stuff.” They do not let their child “quit”.
- They do not give in.
- They do not worry when their child is “mad at them.”
- They do not reward their child for good behavior, good grades Material things - money, shopping trip, new toys, etc, do not teach a child to cope. They bribe the child to learn to manipulate to get their way.
- They do not allow the child more than 30 minutes a day of screen time - including TV, computer, games, social media, iPad, and phone - other than the least time it takes to complete their homework or assignments.
We can develop “happy habits” and help our children to do so as well! We can teach them how to be happy. And they will be happy for a lifetime!
Happiness is created by simple disciplines practiced every day, over and over.
Unhappiness is created by errors in judgement repeated over and over.
For more reading:
Link to Forbes article on crippling parent behaviors.
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You are doing it. You are fielding life’s stuff.
The world doesn’t always work the way you want it to. Stuff happens.
And when it happens, your seeds of possibilities begin to grow.
In disappointment and distress are the seeds of wisdom - and the seeds of despair and grief.
In despair are the seeds of acceptance, personal growth and gratitude - and the seeds of helplessness and more despair.
In grief there are the seeds of love, compassion and growth - and the seeds of devastation and hopelessness.
In growth are the seeds of appreciation, gratitude and joy.
In gratitude and joy is the seed of fulfillment and love.
Our expectations and willingness shape these possible sequels to what happened. What we think - feel - do, when stuff happens, determines which seed grows.
Love,
The world doesn’t always work the way you want it to. Stuff happens.
And when it happens, your seeds of possibilities begin to grow.
In disappointment and distress are the seeds of wisdom - and the seeds of despair and grief.
In despair are the seeds of acceptance, personal growth and gratitude - and the seeds of helplessness and more despair.
In grief there are the seeds of love, compassion and growth - and the seeds of devastation and hopelessness.
In growth are the seeds of appreciation, gratitude and joy.
In gratitude and joy is the seed of fulfillment and love.
Our expectations and willingness shape these possible sequels to what happened. What we think - feel - do, when stuff happens, determines which seed grows.
Love,
- Published on
"You are beautiful, incredible, and brilliant. God makes his children so." - Dr Chris Baker
"Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you." - Marianne Williamson
You came with greatness.
Your eminence came with you too. Isn’t it funny that we feel as if it's just the others who have the importance, the wings to fly?
You are beautiful, incredible and brilliant. God makes his children so.
Actually your light and goodness scare you.
As Marianne Williamson says, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
"We are all meant to shine. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.“
Shine that smart brain out there this week. Shine your light of goodness all around you this week.
Share your beautiful smile with everyone you encounter. They will feel their special greatness and joy as you do.
Can you imagine what you do for the world?
Love,
Your eminence came with you too. Isn’t it funny that we feel as if it's just the others who have the importance, the wings to fly?
You are beautiful, incredible and brilliant. God makes his children so.
Actually your light and goodness scare you.
As Marianne Williamson says, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
"We are all meant to shine. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.“
Shine that smart brain out there this week. Shine your light of goodness all around you this week.
Share your beautiful smile with everyone you encounter. They will feel their special greatness and joy as you do.
Can you imagine what you do for the world?
Love,
- Published on
You must set goals for yourself. You cannot "hit a target" if you don't know where it is.
Émile Coué de la Châtaigneraie (1857 – 1926) was a French psychologist and pharmacist who introduced a method of psychotherapy and self-improvement based on optimism. Coué's teachings have influenced many writers, such as Norman Vincent Peale and Robert Schuller.
When you think about it, you have been doing the best you can. Everyone always does.
YET — what would you need to change to do differently — and better?
This week, Claude and I thought out the basic fundamentals of doing “better” than what has been our “best,” up to now.
What would we need to change to do differently?
Here they are:
ONE: You must set goals for yourself. You cannot “hit a target” if you don’t know where it is.
TWO: Give yourself time. You can’t change your result immediately, but you can change your direction immediately. You can begin moving in the direction of your dream - right now!
Remember that it is the tiny little productive actions, repeated consistently over time — that add up tot he difference between failure to reach your goal, and success.
The challenges that seem overwhelming today are actually opportunities.
Steve Harvey says, “Your setback is just a set-up for a comeback.”
Change yourself by changing your philosophy - your beliefs - through your thoughts.
Decide to believe you CAN do it.
Think, “Difficult takes a little time; Impossible takes just a little longer.”
Think, ”There is a way to do it.”
Think, “Every day, in every way, I’m doing better and better. Every day, in every way, I’m happier and happier. Every day, in every way, I’m stronger and stronger.” ~ It was Emile Coue de la Chataigneraie (that's his photo, on the left), who said it first in French, “Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux.”
Every time you have a disappointment, think, “Disappointment has reminded me. I have the opportunity to change my beliefs. I can see this as opportunity to move toward my dream.”
As you change, everything around you will change too.
Truly.
Love,
YET — what would you need to change to do differently — and better?
This week, Claude and I thought out the basic fundamentals of doing “better” than what has been our “best,” up to now.
What would we need to change to do differently?
Here they are:
ONE: You must set goals for yourself. You cannot “hit a target” if you don’t know where it is.
TWO: Give yourself time. You can’t change your result immediately, but you can change your direction immediately. You can begin moving in the direction of your dream - right now!
Remember that it is the tiny little productive actions, repeated consistently over time — that add up tot he difference between failure to reach your goal, and success.
The challenges that seem overwhelming today are actually opportunities.
Steve Harvey says, “Your setback is just a set-up for a comeback.”
Change yourself by changing your philosophy - your beliefs - through your thoughts.
Decide to believe you CAN do it.
Think, “Difficult takes a little time; Impossible takes just a little longer.”
Think, ”There is a way to do it.”
Think, “Every day, in every way, I’m doing better and better. Every day, in every way, I’m happier and happier. Every day, in every way, I’m stronger and stronger.” ~ It was Emile Coue de la Chataigneraie (that's his photo, on the left), who said it first in French, “Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux.”
Every time you have a disappointment, think, “Disappointment has reminded me. I have the opportunity to change my beliefs. I can see this as opportunity to move toward my dream.”
As you change, everything around you will change too.
Truly.
Love,
- Published on
About 12 years ago, Dr Chris Baker and her husband were stranded in Seattle. With a view of Mt. Ranier from their hotel room, they decided to use the day to write down their future goals. The results would change their lives. (Photo by Dave Menke. Wikimedia Commons image)
One of America's greatest business philosophers was Jim Rohn. His "7 Strategies for Wealth & Happiness" gives excellent goal-setting guidance.
A change in flight scheduling caused Dr Chris and her husband Claude to be "stranded in Seattle" for an extra day after a CE course. The extra day spent in that city would change their lives.
One morning about 12 years ago, Claude and I found ourselves in a small hotel, our window overlooking Mt. Rainier in Seattle.
We had missed a flight after a CE course, and while we needed to get home to patients and family, there was no way to do that. The Universe had other plans.
There we were with a gorgeous view of the snow-capped mountain, a couple of juicy delicious peaches and some cheese we had bought at Pike Place Market, sitting at our little desk-repurposed table.
Many mentors and leaders in personal development talk about writing your goals down. They say it's an important exercise.
So, we wrote out our goals for the immediate future, and for one year, five years, 10 years and 20 years into the future. We wrote goals in categories; health, our relationship, each child, personal achievements, career and business, wealth, playtime, hobbies, adventure and travel, contribution and spirituality. Each one was stated as our desired goal, “or better," because the Universe has a way of making it better.
Was it our view? The breezy perfect air on our walks about the hotel? The interaction together? The goals themselves?
Or was it the mystical energy we garnered in the experience and actions of all of that? No matter. We found ourselves more than excited, full of energy and expectation, and EVER SO GRATEFUL for the extra day we were “forced” to spend in Seattle. It is the stuff of all our dreams.
Then we wrote actions, daily disciplines toward each and every goal to get us going.
You know what? Those goals have almost all been met. They have come to pass or surpass! And we write new goals VERY frequently. And begin actions toward them.
Writing goals down does the following things:
1. You define your goals. You know your target. (Can’t hit a target if you have no idea where it is.) What would your goal be if you KNEW you could not fail?
2. You get excited about your goals. The feeling is amazing!
3. Your goals become approachable — and reachable.
Approachable means you start to crystallize what steps you can take to move toward the goals. You now have defined not only the end-point goal, but the steps you can begin to take.
Don’t worry and fret over the actions. Just begin. You can do course correction. It’s like a GPS “recalculating”.
This week - perhaps today - you can write ‘em down! Write rapidly. Again, don’t fret - just write. Keep it simple - no excess words - just the endpoint: “dream house. pool. Virginia.” Be a kid - no limits! Make it fun.
You’re on your way.
Love,
We had missed a flight after a CE course, and while we needed to get home to patients and family, there was no way to do that. The Universe had other plans.
There we were with a gorgeous view of the snow-capped mountain, a couple of juicy delicious peaches and some cheese we had bought at Pike Place Market, sitting at our little desk-repurposed table.
Many mentors and leaders in personal development talk about writing your goals down. They say it's an important exercise.
So, we wrote out our goals for the immediate future, and for one year, five years, 10 years and 20 years into the future. We wrote goals in categories; health, our relationship, each child, personal achievements, career and business, wealth, playtime, hobbies, adventure and travel, contribution and spirituality. Each one was stated as our desired goal, “or better," because the Universe has a way of making it better.
Was it our view? The breezy perfect air on our walks about the hotel? The interaction together? The goals themselves?
Or was it the mystical energy we garnered in the experience and actions of all of that? No matter. We found ourselves more than excited, full of energy and expectation, and EVER SO GRATEFUL for the extra day we were “forced” to spend in Seattle. It is the stuff of all our dreams.
Then we wrote actions, daily disciplines toward each and every goal to get us going.
You know what? Those goals have almost all been met. They have come to pass or surpass! And we write new goals VERY frequently. And begin actions toward them.
Writing goals down does the following things:
1. You define your goals. You know your target. (Can’t hit a target if you have no idea where it is.) What would your goal be if you KNEW you could not fail?
2. You get excited about your goals. The feeling is amazing!
3. Your goals become approachable — and reachable.
Approachable means you start to crystallize what steps you can take to move toward the goals. You now have defined not only the end-point goal, but the steps you can begin to take.
Don’t worry and fret over the actions. Just begin. You can do course correction. It’s like a GPS “recalculating”.
This week - perhaps today - you can write ‘em down! Write rapidly. Again, don’t fret - just write. Keep it simple - no excess words - just the endpoint: “dream house. pool. Virginia.” Be a kid - no limits! Make it fun.
You’re on your way.
Love,
- Published on
It is the tiny daily decisions that you make that create your life.
According to Jim Rohn, "Your philosophy determines whether you will go for the disciplines or continue the errors."
It is the tiny daily decisions that you make that create your life.
“Do I eat this or do I eat that? Do I read and study and grow? Do I go for a walk, or sit and watch TV? Do I invest some money every pay? Do I push myself? Do I love and give compassion and love to everyone I meet? Am I diligent, or do I focus on my fatigue?”
Each decision guides your path - a path of happiness and success or one taking you the other way.
It has been said that only five percent of folks operate on the level of diligence and disciplines, while the other 95 percent use poorer and broken approaches.
The best decisions are easy to do — and easy not to do. One poorer decision may not make a difference today, but over time…. you get the idea.
Today, you can decide what you will eat, what you will do, how you will use money, and how you will approach the people you encounter. You can make each tiny decision and define the trajectory of your life.
Course correction is possible, and necessary - the space shuttle is constantly correcting its course.
“Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.” ~ Paul J. Meyer
Go for the joy! Go for the gusto! Go for it!
“Your philosophy determines whether you will go for the disciplines or continue the errors.”
~ Jim Rohn
“100 percent commitment is easier than 98 percent commitment.” When you justify incongruent behaviors once, you open the door to a lifetime of justifications.”
~ Dr. Clayton Christensen
It’s a new day! It’s your day! Make it a great one full of great tiny decisions. And then just see where you go!
Here’s to your success!
Love,
“Do I eat this or do I eat that? Do I read and study and grow? Do I go for a walk, or sit and watch TV? Do I invest some money every pay? Do I push myself? Do I love and give compassion and love to everyone I meet? Am I diligent, or do I focus on my fatigue?”
Each decision guides your path - a path of happiness and success or one taking you the other way.
It has been said that only five percent of folks operate on the level of diligence and disciplines, while the other 95 percent use poorer and broken approaches.
The best decisions are easy to do — and easy not to do. One poorer decision may not make a difference today, but over time…. you get the idea.
Today, you can decide what you will eat, what you will do, how you will use money, and how you will approach the people you encounter. You can make each tiny decision and define the trajectory of your life.
Course correction is possible, and necessary - the space shuttle is constantly correcting its course.
“Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.” ~ Paul J. Meyer
Go for the joy! Go for the gusto! Go for it!
“Your philosophy determines whether you will go for the disciplines or continue the errors.”
~ Jim Rohn
“100 percent commitment is easier than 98 percent commitment.” When you justify incongruent behaviors once, you open the door to a lifetime of justifications.”
~ Dr. Clayton Christensen
It’s a new day! It’s your day! Make it a great one full of great tiny decisions. And then just see where you go!
Here’s to your success!
Love,
- Published on
Holding your child accountable gives them strength and capability to live well in the world.
Psychologist Dr John Rosemond's book, New Parent Power!, is an excellent guide for parents wanting to raise responsible children.
The parents are in charge of setting the boundaries for their child's life.
Dr Chris Baker's book, REAL, is an excellent guide for living a health and productive life, including wise advice for parenting.
Self-discipline, respectfulness and responsibility help lead a child to live a productive life of accomplishment
Holding your child accountable (responsible) gives them strength and capability to live well in the world. BUT - IT’S HARDER TO TEACH THEM RESPONSIBILITY, than to do things yourself. Yet, it is worth it!! Here are some important ways to raise a responsible young adult, beginning in toddler-hood.
ONE: It’s easier to pick up after your children than to have them do it. Resist doing that.
Teach them that after playtime is clean up time. Teach them that after meals is clean up time and they are responsible until it’s complete.
No more dishes put into the sink for you to clean. No more leaving the kitchen before all clean up is finished. A toddler can happily sit on the counter after she finishes what she can do, as you finish up what you need to do. You are teaching her what is entailed in the after-meal time, and she will want to help more and more. That’s what toddlers do! Take advantage.
Teach your children now, before they expect NOT to participate in clean-up.
TWO: Never allow your children to speak disrespectfully to you.
Your child needs the security of your being in charge. As he/she learns to be respectful to you, his future is brighter - better jobs, better relationships, better life. It’s hard to imagine that precious baby becoming a master manipulator, but indeed, they quickly learn what makes you give in.
“Mommy, I hate you!”
Whoa - those words lay you back! You are stymied, paralyzed.
'If my child hates me, then I am really worthless, right?' WRONG!
If your child learns those words work to get him what he wants, then we are harming his character. Words that sink your heart are just words. They are your child’s attempt to get his/her way. Truly!
THREE: You are in charge of setting the boundaries for your child’s life.
You decide the boundaries of what they wear, what they do, what music they listen to, what and how much screen time they get, if any. (The studies are coming out faster and faster showing how damaging screens are for children and teenagers' brain development and ability to cope with life and future happiness.)
It’s right to say, “No, you may not have that child over (or spend time with) - we don’t like those people,” and, “No, we will not spend money on that.”
This is how character is developed. This is how a child learns what is right. These child-raising boundaries give your child the best chance possible.
FOUR: Teach them dropping out is not an option.
If a child wants to “quit” his karate lessons, piano lessons, soccer team, and so on, find out why. Most likely they just don’t “feel like” putting forth the effort.
It is a valuable life lesson to “never give up.” Plus, these activities have been shown in studies to help them do better academically. Unless your child is burdened with TOO MANY ACTIVITIES, keep the activity up! Keep taking them to the activity! You are forming character, intelligence and coping!
FIVE: A child being rude or behaving badly is a child behaving as a spoiled brat.
Do not allow a child to practice spoiled-brat behavior. The younger your child is, the easier it is to teach polite and gracious behavior. If you say, “thank you,” your child will follow suit. If your child has just demanded something in a rude way, you can have them repeat their “request” in a polite way.
For example, “Give me candy!” — “May I please have some candy?” Be sure they say the whole sentence. Training them to add “Please” to their demand is not teaching graciousness. Training them to say a polite question is teaching the right way. AND, YOU MAY STILL SAY “NO” to their question.
Teaching graciousness is one boundary, and what they may have is another boundary. You get two for the price of one here!
You may enjoy John Rosemond’s work on these topics. As a child psychologist, he’s written and spoken about raising happy and responsible children for decades. HIs books are supportive, full of sanity and wonderful.
Always follow through.
When you tell your child that she must stop screaming, or go to his room, follow through. Better, give her the choice,”You may stop screaming or you may go to your room. Which do you choose?”
If she says, “I don’t choose either one,” you may say, “That’s fine. Then I choose for you. And take her to her room (a room without electronic screens, wifi access, etc, but with books and paper and pencil or crayons).
She needs to know you mean it.
Pretty soon your children will be doing better. Keep going!
Pretty soon they will be coping, and then you’ll notice they actually expect you to say, “No.” They’ll stop asking as often, and they’ll be more pleasant to be around. Your friends will notice what nice children you have. Life gets easier. And better. Your children will have a brighter future.
Congratulations to you! You are a role model of note. You will raise healthier children. You are loving in the greatest ways!
ONE: It’s easier to pick up after your children than to have them do it. Resist doing that.
Teach them that after playtime is clean up time. Teach them that after meals is clean up time and they are responsible until it’s complete.
No more dishes put into the sink for you to clean. No more leaving the kitchen before all clean up is finished. A toddler can happily sit on the counter after she finishes what she can do, as you finish up what you need to do. You are teaching her what is entailed in the after-meal time, and she will want to help more and more. That’s what toddlers do! Take advantage.
Teach your children now, before they expect NOT to participate in clean-up.
TWO: Never allow your children to speak disrespectfully to you.
Your child needs the security of your being in charge. As he/she learns to be respectful to you, his future is brighter - better jobs, better relationships, better life. It’s hard to imagine that precious baby becoming a master manipulator, but indeed, they quickly learn what makes you give in.
“Mommy, I hate you!”
Whoa - those words lay you back! You are stymied, paralyzed.
'If my child hates me, then I am really worthless, right?' WRONG!
If your child learns those words work to get him what he wants, then we are harming his character. Words that sink your heart are just words. They are your child’s attempt to get his/her way. Truly!
THREE: You are in charge of setting the boundaries for your child’s life.
You decide the boundaries of what they wear, what they do, what music they listen to, what and how much screen time they get, if any. (The studies are coming out faster and faster showing how damaging screens are for children and teenagers' brain development and ability to cope with life and future happiness.)
It’s right to say, “No, you may not have that child over (or spend time with) - we don’t like those people,” and, “No, we will not spend money on that.”
This is how character is developed. This is how a child learns what is right. These child-raising boundaries give your child the best chance possible.
FOUR: Teach them dropping out is not an option.
If a child wants to “quit” his karate lessons, piano lessons, soccer team, and so on, find out why. Most likely they just don’t “feel like” putting forth the effort.
It is a valuable life lesson to “never give up.” Plus, these activities have been shown in studies to help them do better academically. Unless your child is burdened with TOO MANY ACTIVITIES, keep the activity up! Keep taking them to the activity! You are forming character, intelligence and coping!
FIVE: A child being rude or behaving badly is a child behaving as a spoiled brat.
Do not allow a child to practice spoiled-brat behavior. The younger your child is, the easier it is to teach polite and gracious behavior. If you say, “thank you,” your child will follow suit. If your child has just demanded something in a rude way, you can have them repeat their “request” in a polite way.
For example, “Give me candy!” — “May I please have some candy?” Be sure they say the whole sentence. Training them to add “Please” to their demand is not teaching graciousness. Training them to say a polite question is teaching the right way. AND, YOU MAY STILL SAY “NO” to their question.
Teaching graciousness is one boundary, and what they may have is another boundary. You get two for the price of one here!
You may enjoy John Rosemond’s work on these topics. As a child psychologist, he’s written and spoken about raising happy and responsible children for decades. HIs books are supportive, full of sanity and wonderful.
Always follow through.
When you tell your child that she must stop screaming, or go to his room, follow through. Better, give her the choice,”You may stop screaming or you may go to your room. Which do you choose?”
If she says, “I don’t choose either one,” you may say, “That’s fine. Then I choose for you. And take her to her room (a room without electronic screens, wifi access, etc, but with books and paper and pencil or crayons).
She needs to know you mean it.
Pretty soon your children will be doing better. Keep going!
Pretty soon they will be coping, and then you’ll notice they actually expect you to say, “No.” They’ll stop asking as often, and they’ll be more pleasant to be around. Your friends will notice what nice children you have. Life gets easier. And better. Your children will have a brighter future.
Congratulations to you! You are a role model of note. You will raise healthier children. You are loving in the greatest ways!
- Published on
Future generations of your family will bloom and prosper if you teach your child self-discipline and respect.
Dr John Rosemond's excellent book, "New Parent Power!" is a useful guide for raising responsible children.
A child's character and personality are like gardens. There is regular "weeding" needing to be done to ensure responsibility and character. This is what successful parenting accomplishes.
The Four Steps to Raising a Brat
1. Work hard to make sure your child likes you all the time.
2. Give them everything they want.
3. Baby them - give in when they whine.
4. Don’t ever hold them accountable. No consequences - ever.
I remember holding my newborn son upon arrival home from the hospital, and as I caressed his tiny perfect feet, I thought, “I don’t want him ever to be hurt. Ever.” My instinct to protect this precious baby I had birthed just a couple of days before, was so strong I knew I’d give my life for him.
It is a confusing thing to love a child with that intensity, and to need to learn quickly (they grow so quickly) how to temper that instinct to give them everything they want.
Even babies can be very convincing. Their instincts to get everything they want are as strong as our instinct to give it to them.
What a conundrum for the parent! And, surely, as Jennie Scott says, “We’re killing our kids and calling it love.”
Look at these definitions:
spoil / spoil/
Think about it - the selling of t-shirts that say, “I’m a spoiled brat - and proud of it!”
And, “I’m the one in charge here.” These shirts on children reinforce that a child who is being spoiled (harmed) is somehow to be proud of it!
Let’s get back to basics here:
How are we spoiling our children? How are we missing the boat in raising them?
Here are the major ways. I'll repeat myself, here. Society teaches you to:
1. Work hard to make sure your child likes you all the time.
2. Give them everything they want.
3. Baby them - give in when they whine.
4. Don’t ever hold them accountable. No consequences - ever.
Diana, a dear friend and fantastic mom of eight children (three biologic and five adopted), once told me, “Our job as parents is to raise a child up to be a great parent.”
Wow! That puts it in perspective.
We are our children’s hope for the future. We are the world’s hope for the future.
Your child will NOT like you all the time.
- If you don’t give them everything they want, they will NOT like you all the time.
- And if you DO give them “everything they want,” they will NOT like you all the time!
That is because the more you give, the more they want. Not only can you not keep up and cannot give them everything they want, the child comes to believe the world works like that. The parent is training the child to be demanding, expectant, entitled, whiny, and eventually possibly violently demanding.
A temper tantrum in a two-year-old is tiresome and no fun. When it occurs at 13, it can be downright frightening. The only way to reduce that possibility is to stand your ground when they are two (and always). It is right to deny them EVERYTHING they are demanding in the two-year-old tantrum, so they can learn that doesn’t work.
It’s hard for you to realize that your child won’t understand why you stood your ground and why they were raised differently than their friends, until they are MUCH older. It may not be until they have their own children that they understand. That time seems very far off.
It’s hard for you to deal with your child being upset now. But, giving in to anything and everything they want is hurting their character. It will hurt the character of your future grandchildren (because your grandchildren’s parents will not have had a role model to follow in raising your grandchildren.) It’s the opposite of loving your children.
Giving in “eventually” when they whine and carry on teaches children that you have to whine and carry on to get what you want. It teaches them that “No” means “Whine and carry on, and wait a few minutes, to get what you want.” It teaches your children that they can have what they want if they act badly.
This will destroy their lives, because the world doesn’t work that way. Know what would happen if you whine and carry on when your boss says, “No”? At best you wouldn’t get what you want. At worst - ??
Jennie Scott, in her writing about raising children, points out that “The measuring stick of successful parenting is definitely not happy children. Well-adjusted, responsible, kind and selfless children? Absolutely. Happy and spoiled? No way. “
Being a parent is hard work. It’s harder to be a good parent. It’s harder to get up off the couch and pick up your child who is not picking his toys up, than to sit on the couch and “count to three.” But counting to three is spoiling the child. It’s harder to insist the child takes his dish to the dishwasher than to carry it with yours. It’s harder to be a great parent!
I remember my mother, Joy, teaching us how to be great parents. Joy would have been proud of me, after I had instructed my three-year-old granddaughter to pick up her blocks. When she looked at me with a bit of a sideways smile and did NOT begin to pick up anything, I got up and went to her, took her little hand in mine, and “picked up” a block with my hand and her hand, then another and another.
She grinned, enjoyed it, then said, “I can do it!” Then she picked up the rest of the blocks.
Ka-ching! Investment (leaving my comfortable chair, to teach her) paid off immediately!
Yes, it’s harder to be a great parent!
But you can do it. Your love is strong enough to raise a child who is well-adjusted, responsible, kind and selfless. Your love is strong enough to set boundaries that give your child security and teach how to live contentedly in a world of many boundaries.
Your love is strong enough to realize what is going on, and how to strengthen your child’s character, despite media and advertisers’ working to convince you to spend all your money on your child, to give them junk food, to support the gaming industry, all at your child’s expense, (as well as at YOUR EXPENSE).
Love them in the best ways! Your “no’s” to the children are hardest for YOU. They will cope. And when you see them becoming less spoiled, less insistent, less demanding, you will be happy to know you are succeeding in raising a child of character. And in so doing, you will be loving yourself.
Next blog: So what are some steps to raising a great parent of the future?
1. Work hard to make sure your child likes you all the time.
2. Give them everything they want.
3. Baby them - give in when they whine.
4. Don’t ever hold them accountable. No consequences - ever.
I remember holding my newborn son upon arrival home from the hospital, and as I caressed his tiny perfect feet, I thought, “I don’t want him ever to be hurt. Ever.” My instinct to protect this precious baby I had birthed just a couple of days before, was so strong I knew I’d give my life for him.
It is a confusing thing to love a child with that intensity, and to need to learn quickly (they grow so quickly) how to temper that instinct to give them everything they want.
Even babies can be very convincing. Their instincts to get everything they want are as strong as our instinct to give it to them.
What a conundrum for the parent! And, surely, as Jennie Scott says, “We’re killing our kids and calling it love.”
Look at these definitions:
spoil / spoil/
- v. (past tense spoiled or Brit. spoilt) 1. to diminish or destroy the value or quality of; 2. to destroy or reduce the pleasure, interest, or beauty of; 3. to harm the character of a child by being too lenient or indulgent
- n. a child, especially an annoying, impolite or spoiled child
- Children and teens who are perceived as spoiled may be described as "overindulged", "grandiose", "narcissistic" or “egocentric-regressed”.
Think about it - the selling of t-shirts that say, “I’m a spoiled brat - and proud of it!”
And, “I’m the one in charge here.” These shirts on children reinforce that a child who is being spoiled (harmed) is somehow to be proud of it!
Let’s get back to basics here:
How are we spoiling our children? How are we missing the boat in raising them?
Here are the major ways. I'll repeat myself, here. Society teaches you to:
1. Work hard to make sure your child likes you all the time.
2. Give them everything they want.
3. Baby them - give in when they whine.
4. Don’t ever hold them accountable. No consequences - ever.
Diana, a dear friend and fantastic mom of eight children (three biologic and five adopted), once told me, “Our job as parents is to raise a child up to be a great parent.”
Wow! That puts it in perspective.
We are our children’s hope for the future. We are the world’s hope for the future.
Your child will NOT like you all the time.
- If you don’t give them everything they want, they will NOT like you all the time.
- And if you DO give them “everything they want,” they will NOT like you all the time!
That is because the more you give, the more they want. Not only can you not keep up and cannot give them everything they want, the child comes to believe the world works like that. The parent is training the child to be demanding, expectant, entitled, whiny, and eventually possibly violently demanding.
A temper tantrum in a two-year-old is tiresome and no fun. When it occurs at 13, it can be downright frightening. The only way to reduce that possibility is to stand your ground when they are two (and always). It is right to deny them EVERYTHING they are demanding in the two-year-old tantrum, so they can learn that doesn’t work.
It’s hard for you to realize that your child won’t understand why you stood your ground and why they were raised differently than their friends, until they are MUCH older. It may not be until they have their own children that they understand. That time seems very far off.
It’s hard for you to deal with your child being upset now. But, giving in to anything and everything they want is hurting their character. It will hurt the character of your future grandchildren (because your grandchildren’s parents will not have had a role model to follow in raising your grandchildren.) It’s the opposite of loving your children.
Giving in “eventually” when they whine and carry on teaches children that you have to whine and carry on to get what you want. It teaches them that “No” means “Whine and carry on, and wait a few minutes, to get what you want.” It teaches your children that they can have what they want if they act badly.
This will destroy their lives, because the world doesn’t work that way. Know what would happen if you whine and carry on when your boss says, “No”? At best you wouldn’t get what you want. At worst - ??
Jennie Scott, in her writing about raising children, points out that “The measuring stick of successful parenting is definitely not happy children. Well-adjusted, responsible, kind and selfless children? Absolutely. Happy and spoiled? No way. “
Being a parent is hard work. It’s harder to be a good parent. It’s harder to get up off the couch and pick up your child who is not picking his toys up, than to sit on the couch and “count to three.” But counting to three is spoiling the child. It’s harder to insist the child takes his dish to the dishwasher than to carry it with yours. It’s harder to be a great parent!
I remember my mother, Joy, teaching us how to be great parents. Joy would have been proud of me, after I had instructed my three-year-old granddaughter to pick up her blocks. When she looked at me with a bit of a sideways smile and did NOT begin to pick up anything, I got up and went to her, took her little hand in mine, and “picked up” a block with my hand and her hand, then another and another.
She grinned, enjoyed it, then said, “I can do it!” Then she picked up the rest of the blocks.
Ka-ching! Investment (leaving my comfortable chair, to teach her) paid off immediately!
Yes, it’s harder to be a great parent!
But you can do it. Your love is strong enough to raise a child who is well-adjusted, responsible, kind and selfless. Your love is strong enough to set boundaries that give your child security and teach how to live contentedly in a world of many boundaries.
Your love is strong enough to realize what is going on, and how to strengthen your child’s character, despite media and advertisers’ working to convince you to spend all your money on your child, to give them junk food, to support the gaming industry, all at your child’s expense, (as well as at YOUR EXPENSE).
Love them in the best ways! Your “no’s” to the children are hardest for YOU. They will cope. And when you see them becoming less spoiled, less insistent, less demanding, you will be happy to know you are succeeding in raising a child of character. And in so doing, you will be loving yourself.
Next blog: So what are some steps to raising a great parent of the future?
- Published on
"It is time to believe in the preciousness of life -- and spend your hours of your days savoring and enjoying it. "
It is "Time to tell your loved ones and friends how much you love them."
It’s time.
Time to start finding and hanging with people who lift you higher and higher.
Time to notice when you are worrying - and go to gratitude.
Time to believe in the preciousness of life - and spend your hours of your days savoring and enjoying it.
Time to make all your decisions, every time, to take you in the direction of your dreams - your food; your exercise, your time; your actions that take you where you want to go!
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
Time to find and read inspirational words for 15 minutes every day.
Time to tell your loved ones and friends how much you love them!
Time to be kind to everyone you meet. Time to remember each is doing the best they can at that moment, with the resources they have.
Time to say thank you - when people are nice to you - and when they are not. Find a way you can appreciate them. Give them love anyway. They will love you for it.
Time to choose joy, to choose to be happy!
Time to savor your rich and wonderful life.
No matter what, no matter what.
Love,
Time to start finding and hanging with people who lift you higher and higher.
Time to notice when you are worrying - and go to gratitude.
Time to believe in the preciousness of life - and spend your hours of your days savoring and enjoying it.
Time to make all your decisions, every time, to take you in the direction of your dreams - your food; your exercise, your time; your actions that take you where you want to go!
“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ~ Henry David Thoreau
Time to find and read inspirational words for 15 minutes every day.
Time to tell your loved ones and friends how much you love them!
Time to be kind to everyone you meet. Time to remember each is doing the best they can at that moment, with the resources they have.
Time to say thank you - when people are nice to you - and when they are not. Find a way you can appreciate them. Give them love anyway. They will love you for it.
Time to choose joy, to choose to be happy!
Time to savor your rich and wonderful life.
No matter what, no matter what.
Love,
- Published on
REAL is Dr Chris' great little book on how
to live an incredibly GREAT life!
to live an incredibly GREAT life!
Two human needs are certainty, and uncertainty, or variety.
We need both.
Our routines provide the security of certainty. Fear of change and risks may keep us bound in certainty to a fault. It is in uncertainty that we grow and expand.
Our significant progress involves change, and change involves uncertainty.
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty with which you can live.” ~ Tony Robbins
Wayne Dyer used to say that“fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.”
If you believe it will work out, you’ll see it as opportunities. if you believe it’s too scary, you will see it as an obstacle.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Why not?
Go for it!
Why not now?
To uncertainty!!!
In love,
We need both.
Our routines provide the security of certainty. Fear of change and risks may keep us bound in certainty to a fault. It is in uncertainty that we grow and expand.
Our significant progress involves change, and change involves uncertainty.
“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty with which you can live.” ~ Tony Robbins
Wayne Dyer used to say that“fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.”
If you believe it will work out, you’ll see it as opportunities. if you believe it’s too scary, you will see it as an obstacle.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer
Why not?
Go for it!
Why not now?
To uncertainty!!!
In love,
