Albert Schweitzer said, "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." 

Dr. Chris Baker's book, REAL, reveals successful strategies for raising healthy,  sane and responsible children. 

The best way for a parent to teach his child to share is for the child to see the parent sharing with others. (Wikimedia Commons photo)

A child learns courtesy and good manners when he or she sees their parents being courteous. 

Dr John Rosemond's book, New Parent Power! is a great resource for parents who want to raise responsible children. 

As parents, we all want our children to be successful. We strive to help our children become “successful” so they will be “happy.”

But - as Albert Schweitzer said, “Success is not the key to happiness.  Happiness is the key to success.”  

Scientists studying the psychology of happiness have discovered that:

• Happiness isn’t genetic.
• Happiness isn’t luck.
• Happiness isn’t dependent on our circumstances.
• Happiness is created by us.
• Happiness is created by simple disciplines practiced every day, over and over.  
• And, unhappiness is created by errors in judgement repeated over and over.

Now we know it is our parenting behaviors that help train our children to be happy.  And their happiness will lead to their successes.

So what are these things that we do that work to train our children to be happy?

1. Simple Daily Disciplines - Yourself!  
​
Learn, practice and train yourself to practice simple disciplines every day, over and over.  Let your children learn from you that you are grateful.  Let them learn that you do kind things for others, not just for them.  Let them learn that you eat well, exercise and stay fit.  Let them learn most of all that these simple daily disciplines occur over and over. 

​A recent article from Harvard University,  points out that “the result you wish to see in your child comes from the effort you put into yourself.” Your children will mimic and learn from you.  

2. Show Encouragement and Compassion for others - all others.

 Children have to see and hear their parents caring about and for others.  From the time a toddler is just beginning to get the idea that we want them to “share”, they need to see their parents encouraging other children and other adults, as well as them. 

Children need to see their parents being compassionate of others -
*  holding a door for the next person,
*  picking up trash as they walk (take a plastic bag to put over your hand),
* say thank you - and mean it,
* give genuine compliments to people you meet,
*  praise others every chance you get,
*  write handwritten thank you notes -
* focus on the person speaking to you - NEVER on your phone while they are talking,
*  and teach your child to do so.

 Give EVERYONE you meet the gift of your smile, ask about the other person’s family, or work, or children. Let your children see you care very much about the others.

3. Always, Always, Keep High Ethical Standards - did I say always?
​
Let your children see that you have good manners, graciousness, humility, and above all, honesty.  Let them be able to trust that what you say is what you mean. 

Counting, “I’m gonna count to three…” merely means that you don’t mean what you say until you get to three.  Saying, “I promise you,” means that if you don’t say that, you may not mean it.  Earn their respect and trust.   Of course they will learn that we are all human, yet they will be so proud of an honest and trustworthy parent!

4. The Big and Real Picture is Inside

As things happen around you, and TO you, let the children see that the only things that matter are the things that happen IN you.  In other words, help them learn that it is not what happens, but how you look at it, and how you take it. 

Be the victor, not the victim.  Let them see that when hard things happen, you work to accept and to use it as a lesson.  Make every day a day of victory!

5. Allow Problems to Happen and Allow Your Child to Solve those Problems. 

We never “wish” hard things on our children, of course not!  But the reality is that life has lots of challenges, and since your child will encounter these many lessons, childhood practice coping is critical.. 

Doing pediatric dentistry and orthodontics has taught me how fortunate is the child with a parent who helps the child cope with the dental situation. This is especially true if it seems hard for the child. 

I have seen over and over, the incredible result in how well a child copes when the parent is matter-of-fact and believes their child can handle it, and stays right beside the child to just “be there.” 

The most successful appointments are those with parents who tell the child “You can do it.  I’m here with you,”  and then the parent goes on to talk with us, holding the child’s hand, but not over-focusing on the child.  And guess what?  The child believes the parent - the person they trust the most - that it’s all ok. 

The child may cry. The child may worry. But the child will get through it ever so much better than if a parent is worrying and saying, “It won’t hurt - I promise!”  (How does the parent know?  “Hurt” is a very personal definition - don’t “promise” such things!)  

Allow your child to solve the problems, and to learn to cope with the challenges!

What are some things parents of happy children (who become successful adults) DO NOT do?

1. They do not rescue their child to prevent the “hard stuff.”  They do not let their child “quit”.
2. They do not give in.
3. They do not worry when their child is “mad at them.”
4. They do not reward their child for good behavior, good grades  Material things - money, shopping trip, new toys, etc, do not teach a child to cope.  They bribe the child to learn to manipulate to get their way.
5. They do not allow the child more than 30 minutes a day of screen time - including   TV, computer, games, social media, iPad, and phone - other than the least time it takes to complete their homework or   assignments.  

We can develop “happy habits” and help our children to do so as well!  We can teach them how to be happy.  And they will be happy for a lifetime!

Happiness is created by simple disciplines practiced every day, over and over.  
​
Unhappiness is created by errors in judgement repeated over and over.

For more reading:

Link to Forbes article on crippling parent behaviors. 

Unlike the natural scents given us by nature, artificial "fragrance"  can contain many petroleum-based toxins. 

A great guide to healthful living and thinking, Dr Chris Baker's book REAL, is available through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. 

A safe replacement for many cleaning fluids is pure white vinegar.

On a recent flight, I noticed a strong perfume-y scent that made my throat feel tight and my head ache.  I asked the flight attendant if the jet's air circulation system scented the air as it blew through the  vents on the plane.  He assured me that it did not.  

The scent was so strong that I thought he probably did not know and was answering an easy “no.”

 Then, Claude thought the scent came from the lady who sat right behind us, who wore a potent amount of cheap perfume.  That turned out to be the case.  Poor thing - she had no idea what she was doing to us!

When you read a label on a cosmetic or household product, including perfume, lotion, shampoo, laundry detergent, cleaning product or room fresheners, the ingredient, “fragrance”  means a synthetic chemical that is potentially LETHAL over time due to its toxicity.

More than 95 percent   of these chemicals are made from crude oil. They include benzene derivatives, aldehydes, phthalates, formaldehyde, toluene, and many other known toxins. These can cause cancer, birth defects, autism,  ADHD, (see work by Dr. Philip Landrigan, et al) nervous-system disorders, kidney damage, lupus and other immune illnesses.

These health effects can also include allergic reactions and endocrine disruption which can lead to weight gain, and, even worse, reproductive system cancers including breast, prostate, testicular, ovarian and uterine cancers as well as liver cancer. 

There are about 3,000 different chemicals which can be called "fragrance", some of which   are on the EPA’s hazardous waste list.

People are being poisoned with fragrance ingredients that go straight into their bloodstreams, and their precious children’s bloodstreams, after they are absorbed from the skin, inhaled into lungs, or eaten and in one's gut.

They make us sick.  Really, truly sick, and shorten lives.  They also cause short term headaches, respiratory distress, nausea and brain fog.   

You know how it works - everything is “worse” for the pregnant woman, infants and the elderly, oh - and for children of course.  But they are bad for YOU TOO!  You want your child to have a parent for many years to come. 

Don’t be fooled.   Avoid these synthetic scents.​

How?  

• Read the labels of your products.  If you read “fragrance”, avoid that product.  Completely.  That includes shampoos, conditioners, lotions, (even BABY lotion), perfumes, colognes, talcum powder, baby wipes, air fresheners, candles, detergents, stain removers, dryer sheets, deodorizers, liquid soaps, antiseptic washes.  Don’t buy them.

• Even if the front of the bottle or spray says, “fragrance-free”,  read the label. Many STILL have “fragrance” to cover the nasty chemical smells of the product.  READ THE LABEL!!

Why do companies use these toxins in consumer products if they are bad for us?

• These ingredients are cheap, and most people won’t notice the masked, nasty chemical smell of the product's other chemicals.  

Doesn’t our government ban all harmful substances?

Nope.  The FDA website explains they cannot legally require companies to warn about toxicities in products that aren’t food.  Look for labels that list ingredients that are not chemical names and fragrances.  

Some countries like Canada, South Korea, Japan, China and the European Union have banned certain chemicals - but not all.. The U.S. government demands such a high level of proof of harm that many agree it is simply impossible to reach — and our government is slow to respond, banning only a few chemicals in its history. 

Many people are starting to speak up and voice their concern. Some of the well-informed are even reluctant to wash their hands in a public restroom because of the toxins and scents that are in the soaps and lotions provided there.  Surveys say about 23 percent of people will avoid places and other people that have scents.  

Keep these poisons away from your family.   Read labels and don’t buy the products which contain these chemicals. . 

Here are some ideas for household products that you can make at home, instead of buying poisons:
​
1. Whlte vinegar is an amazing household cleaner. Clean your computer mouse with a 50/50 vinegar/water solution and cotton swabs.  Let dry.​​​​

2. Vinegar can remove ballpoint pen ink, fabric stains, carpet stains, remove candle or other wax and furniture polish buildup, water rings on furniture, piano keys, and in a spray bottle is as good as any glass cleaner!
​
3.  A disposable aluminum cake pan with table salt and vinegar will clean your silver jewelry.  Put the salt and vinegar into the pan, lay the jewelry in and after a few moments, you can rinse off and polish the jewelry.  Be sure not to put opals or other fragile stones into the mixture.  

4.  Baking soda down in your slow drain, with vinegar poured over will both deodorize and unclog the drain.  Wait til the foaming is done, then flush with hot tap water, then with cold water.  Kills bacteria as well!

5. Clean greasy stoves with vinegar, and put some vinegar in your liquid (natural dishwashing soap) for more grease removal.

6. Vinegar through your coffeemaker or in your french press will clean the nasty odors old coffee leave.  Be sure to rinse thoroughly afterwards.

7. A small dish of vinegar with a few drops of liquid dish soap will attract the fruit flies, or pantry moths that plague you occasionally.  

8.    Mix 4 oz. baking soda, 1 T dish soap, 1/4 c hydrogen peroxide, used with a toothbrush, will clean the grout between your bathroom tiles beautifully. 

9.  Clean your oven:  remove the racks.  2 spoonfuls of baking soda and water in a bowl.  make a paste and spread on the inside of the oven.  let it sit at least 12 hours.  The next day, with a wet rag, wipe out as much of the baking soda paste as you can.  Spray all areas with a spray bottle with vinegar in it.  Wipe with another wet rag.  Turn the oven onto a very low temp for 15-20 minutes.  You can do the oven window with the same technique.

10. Search Google, Bing, Yahoo, or your favorite Search Engine for more ideas!

Sometimes you think someone said your name - only to see no one.  ​

Sometimes a butterfly - or bird - keeps flitting about you, following you, crossing back and forth around you. You wonder why that tiny creature, that collection of molecules and cells is attracted to you.  

You wonder what it means. 

In your “soul group” of loved ones, one of those loves is perhaps following you about, and their love and energy is so palpable, you hear your name. 

You know what it's like -- how you put all your energy, prayers and strength into your child, that part of your heart that is walking around outside of you. You send them off to a day without you and spend the day “following them around” in your heart and mind. 

Maybe one of your God-sent-loves is there as you see the butterfly or the bird.  Maybe you hear your name - and no one seems to be there.  Maybe you feel a sudden lightness of love.

No matter, you are being followed by God’s own in the unseen, those who love you.

In love,

"It's not just that there are miracles happening around you -- it's that you are making the miracles, yourself."

"Instead of praying in your need, you would  pray in the overwhelming abundance and gratitude of your life." 

You work miracles every day.  

It’s not just that there are miracles happening around you - it’s that you are making the miracles, yourself.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross told the story of a child in the hospital ICU. 

During his morning rounds, a doctor (with a small bald spot on the crown of his head) came over to her bed.  She looked up at the tall man standing beside her.   

“I know you!" the little girl said. "You were at my bed last night.”  

The astonished physician, knowing he had been performing CPR on her in the ER the night before (and knowing she had been without pulse and breathing when he was with her), asked, “How do you know?”  

She answered, “I was looking down at you working on me and saw your bald place on your head.” 

If you could see from outside yourself - if you could look down at yourself traveling your journey through life, nothing would surprise you, scare you or seem impossible. You would see who you really are!  You would see your miracles.

You would be so happy, feel so good, you would free yourself of all the impossibilities of directing your world and your life.  

Instead of praying in your need, you would pray in the overwhelming gratitude and abundance of your life.  You would love everything about life, and not notice things you don’t like.  

Go on - keep busy with performing miracles!  Stay in your gratitude and abundance.  

Stay in your love, you crazy miracle!

Love,

French Romantic composer Louis-Hector Berlioz (1803-1860) was also a lover of fine food. 

Healthful eating is a great part of living a REAL life. Dr Chris discusses this in her book, REAL. 

Claude and I made this tonight for supper, after he heard on Abu Dhabi Classic Radio,  the story of composer Louis-Hector Berlioz liking this concoction. Berlioz’s chef made it with Duchene mashed potatoes, and we made it with mashed cauliflower.

Berlioz cast himself as a musical revolutionary. He was what was then called a Romantic idealist in a time when artists in other areas, such as painter Claude Monet , challenged the Parisian arts establishment with new innovations.

Successful in his work, Berlioz blazed new artistic trails in the face of the cultural establishment. He was a Romantic, indeed. 

An appropriate tribute to this great composer, Oeufs Berlioz is both  a simple and elegant recipe that uses classic techniques.

I found several descriptions of this dish. Almost all of them call for duck eggs, duchesse potatoes and a mushroom or truffle sauce. 

Here’s how we made it:

Ingredients - Serves 2
2 eggs (chicken) per person

Get your cauliflower boiling
Preheat your oven to 220C

Cauliflower:
• 1/2 medium head of cauliflower, cut into pieces and boiled until soft,   then mashed with butter and cream.
 • Add a good chunk of butter to your taste, and plenty of pepper   and salt.

Start working on the mushroom sauce,
then when the cauliflower is ready...
• Make 2 nice cones on a baking sheet and put into the oven for 20-25 minutes until they have browned crispy edges

Mushroom sauce:
 • 200 gm mushrooms, button, or similar, chopped - I used some large brown buttons from Ireland - yummy
• 2 shallots, finely chopped
• 100 ml beef stock
• 50 ml red or Madeira wine
• 2/3 cup cream
• 2 sprigs of thyme

To Make the Mushroom Sauce:
   •  put chopped shallots in olive oil, cook until soft
   •  add chopped mushrooms and thyme sprigs
   •  allow them to take some color before pouring in the beef stock
    • cook it down and then add the wine.
   •  cook it down til a thimbleful remains
    • add cream and heat through, then keep on the lowest heat possible.

Poach your eggs in water with 1 t vinegar, 4-5 minutes for soft, or soft boil the eggs.
Plate it up.  Arrange the sauce on the plate, and the rest around.

Serve.

Orthodontics treatment is much more complex, different and difficult than what many young patients assume. A doctor dedicated to his or her craft puts much education, study and experience into each orthodontic case he or she treats. 

Dr. Chris Baker's book, "Your Child's Smile" is the best  parent guide for their child's oral health.  It has also been used as a dental school textbook.

Orthodontics is the practice of the realities of moving teeth through bone over a period of time.

This past week, we had two high school students who are interested in dentistry  spend the days with us in internships.  They came in each morning and would spend about half of our office hours with us.

The students  encountered orthodontics from a totally different perspective than what they experienced when they were our patients.  They both agreed, very surely, that orthodontic treatment seemed much more complex, different and difficult than they had assumed when they were patients. 

Isn’t that the way life works? 

Perception varies according to the view through which we see it.  It’s like looking into a room from a window on one side and seeing one part of the room -- and then from the other side, the view through a different window makes the room seem totally different.

What we regard is often limited by what we know and see. 

To a teenager having braces treatment, the experience is one without much visual awareness of what is being done with those braces.  While they're sitting in the dental chair, their minds are full of schoolwork, classmate matters, family matters, athletic and other activities of that evening, and so on. 

The patient's awareness of what we are doing with the “hardware” of orthodontic appliances is minimal.  Once the appointment is completed, they can “get back” to their “real life.”  

But seeing us work with the realities of moving teeth through hard, mineralized bone was a different matter for our high school interns. 

​Think of a bone.  It is miraculous that by placing the right force in the right direction on teeth, we can move teeth through that seemingly impenetrable, dense structure. 

And, amazingly, the bone restructures  and remodels itself to complete its presence around the tooth in the new position.  

Our interns learned that we cannot move one tooth without anchoring somewhere, somehow to other teeth. They found out that it is a challenging, mechanical, engineering process to accomplish a bite that will work and last for almost a hundred years, and  provide a smile that will charm, comfort, engage, and communicate the soul within. 

Our interns were impressed with the time the human body requires to allow teeth to move, and to remodel the bone -- and why it takes the time.  The human body is dynamic - always changing.  It is not static - staying the same. 

Orthodontic changes are not guaranteed; they are not totally predictable;  they are not stable over time without retention, because of the dynamic properties of the muscles, speech, habits, tongue position, tooth clenching or grinding, eating, biting, opening, closing and even wear of the teeth. 

Plus, a growing patient adds the challenge of growth changes to what we are working to do for them.

We were glad to share with two young people who wanted to understand more about what dental care can offer to each person.  

​We look forward to their joining the professionals who provide that care.  

Studies have proven, repeatedly, that it is more healthy for a child's development to have physical play, rather than being physically sedentary and frequently exposed to screens. 

Dr Chris Baker's book, REAL, is a treasure of resources for living a healthy lifestyle and raising productive children. 

Screen use by young children is unhealthy. The American Academy of Pediatrics has issued warnings about this danger. 

The dramatic increase in Autism Spectrum Disorders has been associated with screen use.  Dream It! Leaving Autism Behind is an inspiring story of one young man's growth and development, leaving autism behind.

Screen time creates brain damage in children. as shown by at least 11 recent studies. 

One school activity that has been proven to be beneficial for developing brains is cursive writing. 

Despite the dangers posed by the  use of screen by young children, many school classrooms incorporate their use. 

“Children should be seen and not heard."

Say what???

Online, there are lots of articles, studies and blogs about how our children are faring today.  One such article, by blogger Vicky Prooday is titled, “Why are our children so bored at school, cannot wait, get easily frustrated and have no real friends?” 

Others discuss the huge increase in the diagnoses of Autism Spectrum Disorders, learning disabilities and other childhood mental health areas.  

Why do many children begin school not emotionally able to cope with the school environment?

Why do so many children fare  poorly on testing and educational measures?

Why is there such a huge increase in ADD/ADHD, with many children who cannot sit and learn, let alone cope?

Why does such a huge number of children exhibit signs of addiction to screens and completely fall apart when the screen is taken away?

Why do so many children not have real friends?

Why are we in pediatric dentistry finding that children are emotionally incapable of coping with the dental care environment? And why does a huge percentage of children receive routine dental care provided while sedated or under GA (general anesthesia)?

Our grandparents did not have these problems.  

What has changed?

The answer lies in our modern culture, our current beliefs as parents and in our resultant inability to give our children what they need to develop — their abilities to learn, cope, to have and enjoy true friends and life — real life.

The changes in our modern culture include:

Cultural Change #1: Omnipresent screens, including TV, movies, iPads, computers, electronic games and phones, which severely harm our children in two ways:

• First, screen time creates brain damage, even in not a lot of exposure to screens.  (Weng 2012, Hong, 2013, Zhou 2011, Yuan 2011 and 2013, Dong & Devito, 2013, Koepp, 1998, Kyhn, 2011, Ko, 2009, Han 2011, Kim, 2011 and Hou 2012)
  • You can see the damage in your child when they are impulsive, moody and can’t pay attention.  The sensory overload and hyper-aroused neural system are damaging their gray matter of their brain. YES - there is actually atrophy (shrinkage or loss of brain cells) in the areas, frontal lobe,  where processing of screens occurs, and where planning, impulse control and ability to suppress unacceptable impulses occurs. And, the white matter in the brain, the functioning links between the various parts of the brain lobes and centers are damaged and not functioning properly.
  • The brain’s size (particularly the outer layer, the cortex) is reduced.
  • So, the BRAIN STRUCTURE AND ITS  FUNCTION ARE  DAMAGED.
• Second, screen use causes cravings. impaired dopamine function.  This is ADDICTION.

Boredom due to a damaged nervous system, and addiction, both disconnect the child from the ability to learn, to enjoy other types of stimulation like playing outside, and to emotionally attach to their family and to real friends.

Cultural Change #2:  Parents have come to believe it is good for the child to “be in charge”, for the child’s needs to be met as immediately and completely as possible.  Quite frankly, we have become servants to our children and their desires. 

I remember being shocked a few years ago when I had explained the child’s abscessed tooth and need for extraction of an infection that was dangerously close to his brain and encephalitis. The mom asked the child, “Do you want to get your tooth taken out today?”   

That was shocking. It was not shocking to hear the child’s answer. What do you think most all children who cannot begin to understand infection, encephalitis, meningitis or dental treatment would say?  

Of course, the child answered, “No.”

And once again, I was shocked to hear mom say to me, “Dr. Chris, he said ‘no’ for today.”  

As our children do not learn to cope with difficult things or things they do not wish (dental treatment), they do not learn that they CAN cope.

Millions of children in modern society are much less equipped than previous generations to deal with the simplest frustrations.  How will they cope with the real world someday in their jobs.  Will they be able to hold a job?  
​
How will our children be able to learn to enjoy eating nutritious foods and to exercise and stay healthy if they have learned they “don’t have to do what they don’t like”?  

I had a parent explain to me that neither she, nor her child ate anything except “white foods.”  When I looked quizzically at her, she explained that they ate breads, pasta, crackers, cakes, and popcorn.  Oh - and their ‘treats’ (candy and sweets)  could be other colors. 

The media and modern culture teaches modern parents to think if their children appear to be content, they have succeeded.  

Quite the opposite!. Our beliefs are killing the chances of our children being happy.  

I have wondered out loud more than once, “Who will our children marry, if there are so few capable, healthy young adults?”  

And, if reincarnation is a reality, then what sort of world will we come back to?

We must:

1. Severely limit screens in our children’s lives.
2. Limit screens in our own lives so we have time and energy to connect with our children emotionally and actually.
3. Teach our children that they can cope - they can wait to eat dinner, or spend time outside and find it fun - and find the fun.
4. Involve your children in every aspect of the family work - housework, cooking, table setting, packing lunch, folding laundry at first, and eventually doing the laundry.  
5. Teach “cotillion” courtesy skills - gracious behaviors that include saying thank you and please, sharing, taking turns, finding ways to make the other children and people feel loved and important to your child.  

You see, no matter how charming and cute children are, they must learn not to expect others to give them attention to “build them up.” The child should be doing that for the people around them, in being sweet, gracious, polite and helpful.They will be the happier adult, future parent, spouse and friend.  

My grandmother used to say, “Children should be seen and not heard.”

I thought that was a mean thing to say. Years later, she explained to me, when I had my own child, that she felt a child could be emotionally damaged by receiving too much attention and should not enter into the conversation until spoken to.   

Now, I understand what she really meant. It’s for their well-being. And for our future.  

After all, the brain and its function are more and more difficult to change as one gets older. Let us work on fixing what we can and doing well for our children.  One might think that raising children is not “rocket science.”  Well, in our modern culture — maybe it is!

Our children need us to help them grow and develop without the disabilities of impulsivity, attention-neediness, inability to focus and pay attention, inability to learn well, and inability to truly connect with others.  

Happiness awaits!

You are doing it.  You are fielding life’s stuff.

The world doesn’t always work the way you want it to. Stuff happens.  

And when it happens, your seeds of possibilities begin to grow.  

In disappointment and distress are the seeds of wisdom - and the seeds of despair and grief. 

In despair are the seeds of acceptance, personal growth and gratitude - and the seeds of helplessness and more despair.

In grief there are the seeds of love, compassion and growth - and the seeds of devastation and hopelessness.

In growth are the seeds of appreciation, gratitude and joy. 

In gratitude and joy is the seed of fulfillment and love.

Our expectations and willingness shape these possible sequels to what happened.  What we think - feel - do, when stuff happens, determines which seed grows.  ​

Love,